Actually, I'm sure I must be up near the thousands at this point. No matter how often I realize that I'm obsessing on something, or worrying, I still forget this lesson: Do what you can in the moment, deal with the future as it arrives.
The ramp has started to come off the coop again and this time I realize that it has to do with the way it was put on. I need to redo the ramp system because I can't keep tightening screws that are working their way out of a split piece of wood. However, it is sleeting outside and my chickens have nowhere to go while I perform major surgery on my coop. I spent all morning working out what I need to do but the weather isn't cooperating with me. And then it hit me: I am worrying about a ramp falling when it hasn't completely fallen yet; I want the sleet to stop so my chickens won't get wet when I tip up the coop, but of course I can't control the weather; I am thinking so much about the chickens that I am forgetting everything else today.
And so here it is: I'm letting go of the ramp problem right now. This doesn't sound like rocket science, but right now it feels like it. I'm focusing on making a new batch of granola, on helping my son with his Physical Science homework, on getting the floors swept and the laundry washed. I can't do anything until it stops raining. I have to negotiate slippery, slushy, snowy roads in a little while to get Grace at school. I have to take my neighbor Hazel to her doctor's appointment later in the afternoon. I have to figure out how to get myself and my son some exercise (the latter one is the most difficult--I am being repaid for all those years I lay on the couch reading during the winter, not exercising, getting winter-plump, with a child who is exactly like I was). Looking back at that long list, I realize I have written a lot of "I have to"-s. But really, it's all what I do, it's my life and I am happy with it and grateful for it. When I stop and let go of the nagging obsession or worry, I realize how beautiful all of it is, even the obsession and worry. It's life, I'm alive, I am part of it all.
And who knows, maybe the ramp will survive tonight and tomorrow will prove to be a better day for repairs?